05/01/17

If I could fall off the face of the earth, to a place where gravity won’t be strong enough to let my tears fall, I would take a jump.

One of those nights

For the longest time, I’ve been feeling empty. But tonight, I’m feeling lower than the lowest I’ve ever felt.

For the longest time, I’ve been looking forward, surrounding myself with light. But tonight, in a moment of weakness, I looked back. I looked back and I saw that shadows were darker under the light.

I thought I had it all under control when I walked away from the ugliest parts of myself. But you can only run for so long till your demons catch up to you. It takes a single one to awaken all the others you thought you buried along the way.

I thought I was okay.

Maybe I was okay.

But tonight, my mind was full of all my insecurities and doubts and mistakes and failures. I could hear all the voices telling me I wasn’t good enough, that I was never going to be good enough. I could hear my entire past from a distance telling me that the best decision they ever made was to leave. I could hear them demanding me to be this or to be that. I could hear echoes limiting me to be just – just a body, just a mind, just a face, just as worth as what the world tells me I am.

I could hear all the voices, but the loudest one was my own.

I wanted to tell myself otherwise, but what if they’re right? What I was just a body that wasn’t worth another night, a body that wasn’t worth the love? What if I was just another mind that the world didn’t need, another brilliant mind average in its own way? What if I was just another face that was easily forgotten? What if I was never good enough? What if I will never be good enough?

I could list all the painful thoughts and bad memories running through my head right now, but honestly writing them down wont make them any less hurtful. I could hear a thousand voices, but still I remain alone. And I told myself it was by choice, but what if I just really wasn’t worth the stay? What if I’m not even worth the drive?

I keep convincing myself that someday, someone would fully believe in me. I keep telling myself that someday, someone would embrace everything I am, down to my flaws. I keep telling myself that someday, someone would stay even through my lowest and my darkest. But I’m the only one who has ever seen me at my worst, and even I couldn’t love that.

For the longest time, I’ve been trying to rid myself of demons. But tonight, I will embrace them.

Im gonna relive every memory. I’m gonna replay every single time my heart broke to pieces. I’m gonna imagine all the faces of all the people who reduced my worth. I’m gonna remember every wound that still refuses to heal. I’m gonna close my eyes and bring back all those nights I almost gave up on myself and I’m gonna recount all the reasons why.

I don’t know what I would feel tomorrow when I wake up. But right now, I’m tired of running, and I’m tired of pretending.

For the longest time, I’ve been looking forward, surrounding myself with light. But tonight, in a moment of strength, I will look back.

05.11.16

I think I have an eating disorder

Protected: Land of the Free

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Posted in Uncategorized

Permalink Enter your password to view comments.

I closed a door that lead to the right place, thinking it was wrong.

It seemed like a risk back then, and my fifteen-year-old self wanted to play it safe. I thought that there was another way—one that didn’t target my vulnerabilities.

The door demanded a bared soul, and I thought it was important to keep all parts of me hidden in order to protect myself in case it lead to a wrong turn. I was afraid that if I exposed that part of me, which included the most sacred of my words, I would be left vulnerable. The thought scared me because it was asking for a lot without much guarantee of delivering what I wanted. It was either all or nothing, and I didn’t want to risk it.

I was confident, believing that when a door closes, another one opens. I had too much to lose, and for a fifteen-year-old girl, it wasn’t an option. I realized too late that the door I refused to enter was the only way to get where I wanted to go.

No matter how hard I hoped, there just wasn’t any another way to get there. More doors did open, but they didn’t lead to the same place. Other doors come with a promise of a place better than what I longed for, but I didn’t want anything more or less than the one I turned down. It may not have been perfect, but I knew, deep inside, it was for me.

tumblr_m7waqtJGoS1qgkmmyo1_1280

I closed a door that lead to the right place, and now I’m too far down the high road to go back.

It’s been three years since I walked away from it, but it still haunts me every once in a while. Sometimes, it wouldn’t matter. Sometimes, I’d be more than okay with the thought. Sometimes, I feel like I’ve already moved on, but sometimes, I’d still punish myself for the mistake I made when I was still young and naïve. I still regret it from time to time, and I realize that no, I still haven’t moved on because I still haven’t forgiven myself fully.

If I didn’t let the distance grow this much, maybe I could’ve gone back. Maybe I could’ve forced it to open for me again. But, I let fear and pride take over until I reached the point of no return. I had no choice but to look ahead because I knew that everything behind that door was no longer for me anymore. I knew that everything on the other side belonged to someone else already, and I couldn’t do anything else, really, but accept it. I had my chance, and I carelessly let it go.

I closed a door that lead to the right place

And it was my biggest mistake because that door was the only one that could have lead me to you
 

Sad Lullabies

Ang hilig hilig natin ibigay ang lahat kahit minsan wala nang natitira sa atin.

We give everything we have and even everything we don’t. At first, it’s okay even if we don’t get anything in return because we convince ourselves that this is how true love really is. It’s not selfish, and it never demands anything in exchange. But days pass, and then they turn into weeks. Months later, you realize it’s been years. It’s been years and you’ve given so much, and you realize how stupid you were for believing them when they told you they loved you, too. You’ve given so much without getting anything in return. All you got were tear-stained cheeks and sleepless nights, trying to make sense of things that don’t make sense at all. You rethink every word, every hug, and every second, looking for what you did wrong.

But the truth is you did nothing wrong.

Because the truth is sometimes we never get what we give.

And in those times, you question your worth. How could you not when the people you set on a pedestal turned out to be the same people who would pull you down? You invest so much time and effort just to see them smile, but they never asked if you were okay—not even once. You were too busy taking bullets for them, and in the end, when it’s already too late, you notice the gun they have been holding against your heart. Everything you ever gave became a weapon against you, and it hurts a little bit more every time they pull the trigger. And the bullets become hard to ignore when they hit you right in the core, when it’s already too much to take. You draw the line because you know it needs to stop. You know you need to stop.

You need to stop taking bullets for them, and you most certainly need to stop taking bullets from them.

Wag ka maging martyr.

You need to stop crossing oceans for people who won’t even cross puddles for you.

It hurts to think that some wouldn’t even consider crossing puddles for me. For some, I’m worth nothing. But do you know the worst part of it all? No. It’s not even the fact that I gave everything to them. The worst part of it all was that those people were once my everythingor at least I thought they were.

I wasted so much on people who made me think I wasn’t worth their effort, and it’s the biggest regret I have, my greatest defeat. There aren’t enough fights I could lose to justify how I felt, how I still feel. Because once you think you’re worth nothing, you’ll always be scared of the thought that you might really be nothing. That thought remains in your head. It’s stuck on replay like a sad lullaby, and it will continue to play until your fears turn into reality.

Screen Shot 2015-01-12 at 12.01.19 AM

Back to strangers

Is it that easy to leave me?

I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. What else do I have to do just to make people stay?

I try my hardest to be someone worth staying for, but why do I always end up alone?

ALONE

I try to understand everyone and everything even though some excuses don’t even make sense. I listen to every problem and do everything in my power to help fix them. I give everything I have and even everything I don’t just to make people smile. I don’t even bother them with my problems. I just keep everything in because I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. I forgive so easily and brush shortcomings off even though some really do hurt. It’s not that I’m turning a blind eye to all the faults. It’s just that… my love for the people around me is so much greater than their mistakes.

What else do I have to do?

Is my love not enough or is it just really that easy to forget someone like me?

I’m that someone stuck in that border between average and interesting. I’m that someone who has enough to be included in the crowd but not enough to stand out. I’m that someone who can do anything and everything but masters nothing. I’m that someone who’s special and not at the same time.

Which is why I try. I try so hard.

I try to make people feel special because I know what it feels like to be forgotten. I try to send messages just so they know I’m still here. I try to reach out even though I often get pushed away. I try to give them everything I don’t get because not getting them hurts. I try to give so much time and effort without expecting (and getting) anything in return, even though I wish it would be returned. a

At the end of the day, I’m just on a one-way road. No matter what I do, I just go back to being a stranger to the people I love, and it makes me think if I’m really not worth it.

I’m the one who stays, through the good and the bad, so tell me why they don’t.

I’m the one who never forgets, no matter how small the details are, so tell me how they forget.

I’m the one who tries to build friendships, so tell me why I only get walls in return.

I’m the one struggling to hold on, so tell me if it’s really that easy to let me go.

Is it? Is it really that easy?

I knew you were trouble

I don’t know where to begin, but i do know what I feel.

This is one of those I knew you were trouble stories.

Like all the others who were blinded by hope, I caved in, and I went for it.

Now that I think about it, it wasn’t purely hope. The words I held on to weren’t solely mine. You made me hang on to your empty promises, too, until the small hope I had in the beginning grew into a large expectation.

You see, I never intended to invest so much on you, but I did anyway. Why? Because I believed you when you told me you loved me. Maybe you did, and maybe it wasn’t a mistake to believe it.

It was, however, a mistake to believe that you would stay.

And for that, I feel completely and absolutely stupid.

Losing the will to go on

Waves of uncertainty

I don’t even know where or how to begin.

I promised you I would stay. I promised you I would be always by your side.

I know the feeling of being alone. They say it comes in the hours of Artemis, just as darkness consumes the same air you breathe. They say it comes with deadly silence, when you can only hear your steady breathing and the furious beating of your restless heart. But I’d like to point out that loneliness knows no limits. It can come even when the sun proudly stands in the sky to rudely flaunt its light on those who only know dark. It can come with the deafening noise that only ends up muted in your ears, obstructed by your taunting thoughts that growl twice as loud. It can even come when you’re in a crowd of nameless faces or when you’re drowning in the company of people you have come to know. It’s when loneliness strikes with maximum pain because you realise that these people are merely strangers. It’s when you realise that your late night conversations and lunch out’s with these people are but mundane and even with 7.046 billion living in the world, some still stand alone.

I guess my choices and beliefs have led me to be an individual disconnected from the world. I find it rather uncomfortable to open up. I feel like a burden whenever I try to. I mean, why would you share problems to people who already have more than enough to begin with? And if they don’t have problems, why give them some? I’d rather take it all, by myself, just so people won’t get burdened.

It’s rather quite ironic, hypocritical even, because I’d take it all for the people I love, too. I’d carry their burdens just to lighten their load even if I can barely carry my own. I’d take it all because I never EVER want you or anyone else I love feel alone, especially through dysphoria.

My loneliness fuels my desire to divert you, and other people I love, from the same road I chose… and still choose to take.

I don’t ever want you to know how much it hurts. It’s the reason I promised you that I would never leave.

I want to be there when the entire world pisses you off and you no longer have the control you wear so perfectly. I want to be there to cheer you up when you forget how to smile or why you should. I want to be there when you feel so hopeless and defeated. I want to be your refuge when you have nowhere to go or when you need to feel safe. I want to be that voice in your head that reassures you when you’re in doubt. I wan’t to be there when no one is.

But the past few days made me falter. Weakness was drawing me in, and it was slowly erasing my conviction. The past few days, I grew unsure of my promise.

A small part of me is admittedly still uncertain.

I guess I haven’t considered all angles, and I forgot the fact that I might not be what you need. I might not be the shoulder you would want to lean on when the world is beating you down. I might not be the person you would want to run to when sadness runs after you. I might not be the person you would want beside you when your demons screw you over.

I would love to stay by your side, but I don’t want to force myself in your space. I sometimes don’t know what to do anymore.

I guess I just don’t know my place in your life. I’m not even sure if you have space for someone like me whose baggage is far heavier than it seems.

I thought I already figured you out. I thought I already destroyed the shell you once used to crawl back in every time you get hurt or upset. I thought I was starting to get to you.

I thought I already found where I stand in your world.

But I was wrong. I guess I don’t know you that well. I may not even know you at all.

And it hurts me to know that you’d choose to go back in your shell instead of finding comfort in me. It hurts when you’re upset or sad or in pain. But not having the power to take it away hurts more. I want to do everything I can to take the sad look off your face. I’d do anything at all. But here I am, frozen in my place, unable to do a single thing but watch you take the pain. I hate seeing you like that, and I hate the paralysis you put me in whenever you push me away. In truth, it gives me such a heavy feeling.

I feel useless.

I have come to realise how selfish my promise was. I think staying benefits me more than it helps you. I am slowly becoming a burden you wouldn’t want to carry because I can never be half the person you are to me.

I don’t know how, but you slowly infiltrated my bubble. You slowly figured me out through words dropped by chance. The feeling of having someone there became my drug. I became a parasite without even knowing it. You grew on me, and I clung to you like you were air.

Scratch that. You are air. You became air the moment you pulled me out of the loneliness that suffocated me. But I’d rather not breathe if the cost of my air is your happiness.

I don’t deserve you. I don’t want to drain all your time, effort, and energy out for me. I’d rather you keep your smiles than give them to someone as unworthy as a lost cause like me.

I’d keep everything in once again, and I’d take it all if it’ll bring back the light in your eyes. I honestly don’t know why I allowed this to happen. I threw all my problems at you because you easily made me trust you. I don’t know how I stomached burdening one of the people I love the most when I couldn’t even lighten his load.

My promise was clouded by the freedom of being outside my walls, and now, I’m left confused.

I’m not sure anymore if I’m good for you, but there is nothing more that I’d want in this world than to be there for you like you always were for me.

I sincerely apologise if I’m not enough. I apologise for not even being close to half of what and who you are to me. I apologise for the times I faltered and for my moments of weakness. More importantly, I apologise for the moments that I become like the people you run away from.

I may not be what you need, but I’ll try my hardest to be close to it.

So I’m building the promise again— the same one but with a clearer purpose, a greater foundation.

I’m not leaving, and I’ll stand firm with this decision, not for my own good but for yours, and I will not be wavered by the cold tides of your rejection and neither will I falter because of the waves of my own uncertainties.