A Girl Who Writes

Thought Catalog

Find a girl who writes. Find a girl who has no idea where she is going in life because the only thing she understands about the world is that sometimes if you put one beautiful word beside another beautiful word you can create a beautiful sentence that melds into beautiful chapters of beautiful books that might change at least one person’s life. Find a girl who lives for that one person, the one person that will read her beautiful words and feel a sudden lightness on their shoulders. Find a girl who works at a job she hates so she can do the thing she loves. Find a girl who knows sacrifice.

Find a girl who makes it hard to love her Find a girl who demands the best because its all her romance-riddled mind can comprehend. Build her a castle in the sky, move a mountain for her, smile…

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Beautiful, Tragic, and Real

They say your first love never dies. I used to be skeptical about love or anything remotely related to love. I never really believed in the idea because I demanded proof. I refused to believe in a feeling that could not be explained; moreover, the idea that a first love would always have a place in your heart appalled me! I guess I embraced the thought of always moving forward,  of always moving on. I thought the saying was senseless. I never really understood the magnitude of the statement until I met my own first love. He changed me completely, and he does not even know it. He was the journey I needed in order to find myself.

Our story began one October morning. It was chilly outside, but his warmth radiated off him in waves. He looked down at me with sparks in his eyes, and from that moment on, we were inseparable. He never left my side, and he didn’t treat me like a stranger. It was as if he knew me from a past lifetime, and I him. We only got closer as the days went by. One night, he took me out to walk under the night sky and admire the blanket of stars. He looked down at me with so much love in his eyes and he held my hand, silently promising to stay. He then whispered three words that changed me forever. “I love you,” he said. My eyelids immediately shut close as I tried to memorize the feeling— a feeling I never wanted to lose.

It was so surreal I didn’t want to believe it. It seemed like a dream to me. I never wanted to open my eyes, fearing that it would wake me from my slumber. I  didn’t want the feeling to end, so I stayed still. I was too selfish to even speak, to tell him that I loved him back. I was so scared to lose the moment. When I finally got the courage to open my eyes, all I saw was space. I was too late, and he was gone. He left, and he never came back. I was too scared to believe the authenticity of his words and the sincerity in the depths of his eyes that I ended up losing him. For months, I wallowed in sorrow and despair. I lost my zest, and smiles from me were rare. I didn’t mind how much it hurt, so the pain I felt just propagated every day.

I guess the hardest part of it wasn’t losing him; it was losing me. I never really realized who I really was, who I’m supposed to be, until then. I guess you often don’t know what you have until you lose it. So, amidst the heartbreak, I found myself. I found the girl who understood the meaning of love simply because she was loved back once upon a time. Our relationship may have ended before it could even begin, but I’m still thankful for what we had. Every  time I lose myself, I just recall the feeling etched in my heart. I recall his love for me. Our love was real, albeit short lived, so even though he’s far gone, the feeling still stays.  It stays to remind me of who I was made to be— I was made to be real.

I guess the reason why first loves don’t die is the impact they make. The idea always seemed peculiar to me because I never realized that our first loves are actually our first real and true loves. Your first love isn’t the guy playing ball you had the hots for or the girl on the swings you had a petty crush on. Your first love is a person whom you’ll always have a part of because your first love is the person who teaches you how to love by simply loving you. Your first love will show you how beautiful love is and how tragic it can get, but this person will show you the beauty of love to a great extent that the pain of heartbreaks would be worth it. Your first love is the first person who makes you real.

~essay on becoming real by being loved (based on the velveteen rabbit)

Just a dream

Sometimes, we want things so much that we don’t want them anymore.

The picture is vivid in the realm of our minds– so vivid that we want it so much, and we magnify the prospect to the extent of perfection, leaving no room for error. We create a default setting that can only be truly and absolutely real in our minds, and is only truly and absolutely a perhaps in actuality. We idealize our wants too much that they seemingly become impossible.
What we don’t realize is the fact that by wanting so much, we don’t only set these ideas on a pedestal; we also limit the supposedly limitless possibilities for the future to that of which we want.

And I think that’s what scares us the most.

We program ourselves to only openly accept the things we want to happen because our wants are so great in magnitude that we believe they WILL happen instead of thinking they CAN happen.

We long for things so much that we expect instead of hope.

If the picture reality paints is different from that of which we have, we wallow in the thought of our failure because we set ourselves to believe that the only way to become successful is by getting the perfect picture. We think so much of the shades of wrong the future may hold. We focus on the strokes that could go wrong. We fear that the colors would be bland.

We aim for perfection, and only perfection that we become scared.

We are scared.

We are scared because we place our wants amongst the galaxies. We align our desires with the stars. We are scared to have them anywhere else, so we place them there even if it leads us to believe that it is in a place we could never reach because we are nothing but ordinary.

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We are scared to not have what we want the most.

We are scared because we think we want things we can’t have.

So instead of trying, we just back away and quit.

I guess this explains why I don’t want you.

I wan’t you so much that I don’t.

I don’t want to want you.

Because I know I can’t have you.

I’m scared to want you.

Because I don’t want to fail.

You’re impossible yet tangible.
I know I can’t have you, but at the same time, I know I CAN have you. but the thing is I don’t.

That’s why it’s hard to want you.

Because I don’t have you even though I could.

I won’t want you.

Because we will always only be a dream.

~AUTHOR’S NOTE~
Today, I thought about why I almost gave up on him at some point, and the song just a dream played. It suddenly all made sense 🙂 so yes. This is what I wrote after my epiphany.

Beauty and the Beast

I pretend like I don’t care, but deep inside I am drowning in my despair

In truth, he never sees the tears that drop from my eyes cause all he looks at is her beautiful smile

My heart is chained in a cage with no key, and no matter how hard I try, I could never set it free

For it only beats for a boy who could never be mine

because he thinks he’s in love with another girl who goes beyond beauty’s line

Even a blind man could see that he’d choose her over me

because she is something I will never be

He holds her hand the way he used to hold mine

He laughs and talks to her all the time

He says he’d do anything for her

He says he’d even commit a crime

the boy is under her spell

And it takes all of me to stop myself from ridding him of his insanity

because he fell for a girl who doesn’t see him the way he sees her.

He fell for a girl who doesn’t see him the way I do.

She may be the beauty, but I refuse to be the beast

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I wouldn’t dare destroy the smile that reaches his eyes

even if I know the shine comes from his love for her

I could only wait until it’s all over

For now…

Even though it hurts, I will act like I’m fine because in his eyes, I don’t go beyond the best friend line.

Even though it pains me to, I fake him a smile Because I’m not the one he cares for, I’m not the one he wants.

I’ll get this through my head and let him be with his girl because I’m not the one he longs for, I’m not the one he loves.

And no matter what I do, he will never love me back.

Because deep inside I know that the last petal in the delicate rose is bound to fall

The spell will be permanent and he will forever be caged in his false idea of love

 

~Inspired by Jean’s love life (or lack thereof) hehe jk. ily ❤

She pushed him away too quickly hoping to either move on or have him chase after her. Her heart was screaming for her to run away because she was always the option. She was never the choice.                                        

She avoided him like a plague                

She always looked away                                                  

She almost always stays out of his way

She shut him out the same way she shut her heart.It all happened at once. And with her last heartbeat, she tried to remember. He said those beautiful words, and he wrapped her tightly in his arms. She believed every action and every word because he meant everything to her. She gave her all to someone who thought nothing of her, and she got nothing in return. She tolerated him thinking he just needed time. Little did she know that she was waiting for something that would never come. She wasn’t born heartless, but she was made to be one. Because the moment he denied her of the things she thought were real, she heard her heart break. It started with a soft crumble and then it was completely crushed. Everything she believed in turned out to be his game. Her tears were threatening to spill out, but she couldn’t shed a single one because she was feeling numb.

He never meant it.

Now she’s broken.

Now she’s stained.

But most of all…

She’s been through so much that she doesn’t mind the pain.

And so, She abandons her ideas about love because she thought that the idea was far too romanticized. She walks away not thinking twice about the possibilities if she were to stay.