Waves of uncertainty

I don’t even know where or how to begin.

I promised you I would stay. I promised you I would be always by your side.

I know the feeling of being alone. They say it comes in the hours of Artemis, just as darkness consumes the same air you breathe. They say it comes with deadly silence, when you can only hear your steady breathing and the furious beating of your restless heart. But I’d like to point out that loneliness knows no limits. It can come even when the sun proudly stands in the sky to rudely flaunt its light on those who only know dark. It can come with the deafening noise that only ends up muted in your ears, obstructed by your taunting thoughts that growl twice as loud. It can even come when you’re in a crowd of nameless faces or when you’re drowning in the company of people you have come to know. It’s when loneliness strikes with maximum pain because you realise that these people are merely strangers. It’s when you realise that your late night conversations and lunch out’s with these people are but mundane and even with 7.046 billion living in the world, some still stand alone.

I guess my choices and beliefs have led me to be an individual disconnected from the world. I find it rather uncomfortable to open up. I feel like a burden whenever I try to. I mean, why would you share problems to people who already have more than enough to begin with? And if they don’t have problems, why give them some? I’d rather take it all, by myself, just so people won’t get burdened.

It’s rather quite ironic, hypocritical even, because I’d take it all for the people I love, too. I’d carry their burdens just to lighten their load even if I can barely carry my own. I’d take it all because I never EVER want you or anyone else I love feel alone, especially through dysphoria.

My loneliness fuels my desire to divert you, and other people I love, from the same road I chose… and still choose to take.

I don’t ever want you to know how much it hurts. It’s the reason I promised you that I would never leave.

I want to be there when the entire world pisses you off and you no longer have the control you wear so perfectly. I want to be there to cheer you up when you forget how to smile or why you should. I want to be there when you feel so hopeless and defeated. I want to be your refuge when you have nowhere to go or when you need to feel safe. I want to be that voice in your head that reassures you when you’re in doubt. I wan’t to be there when no one is.

But the past few days made me falter. Weakness was drawing me in, and it was slowly erasing my conviction. The past few days, I grew unsure of my promise.

A small part of me is admittedly still uncertain.

I guess I haven’t considered all angles, and I forgot the fact that I might not be what you need. I might not be the shoulder you would want to lean on when the world is beating you down. I might not be the person you would want to run to when sadness runs after you. I might not be the person you would want beside you when your demons screw you over.

I would love to stay by your side, but I don’t want to force myself in your space. I sometimes don’t know what to do anymore.

I guess I just don’t know my place in your life. I’m not even sure if you have space for someone like me whose baggage is far heavier than it seems.

I thought I already figured you out. I thought I already destroyed the shell you once used to crawl back in every time you get hurt or upset. I thought I was starting to get to you.

I thought I already found where I stand in your world.

But I was wrong. I guess I don’t know you that well. I may not even know you at all.

And it hurts me to know that you’d choose to go back in your shell instead of finding comfort in me. It hurts when you’re upset or sad or in pain. But not having the power to take it away hurts more. I want to do everything I can to take the sad look off your face. I’d do anything at all. But here I am, frozen in my place, unable to do a single thing but watch you take the pain. I hate seeing you like that, and I hate the paralysis you put me in whenever you push me away. In truth, it gives me such a heavy feeling.

I feel useless.

I have come to realise how selfish my promise was. I think staying benefits me more than it helps you. I am slowly becoming a burden you wouldn’t want to carry because I can never be half the person you are to me.

I don’t know how, but you slowly infiltrated my bubble. You slowly figured me out through words dropped by chance. The feeling of having someone there became my drug. I became a parasite without even knowing it. You grew on me, and I clung to you like you were air.

Scratch that. You are air. You became air the moment you pulled me out of the loneliness that suffocated me. But I’d rather not breathe if the cost of my air is your happiness.

I don’t deserve you. I don’t want to drain all your time, effort, and energy out for me. I’d rather you keep your smiles than give them to someone as unworthy as a lost cause like me.

I’d keep everything in once again, and I’d take it all if it’ll bring back the light in your eyes. I honestly don’t know why I allowed this to happen. I threw all my problems at you because you easily made me trust you. I don’t know how I stomached burdening one of the people I love the most when I couldn’t even lighten his load.

My promise was clouded by the freedom of being outside my walls, and now, I’m left confused.

I’m not sure anymore if I’m good for you, but there is nothing more that I’d want in this world than to be there for you like you always were for me.

I sincerely apologise if I’m not enough. I apologise for not even being close to half of what and who you are to me. I apologise for the times I faltered and for my moments of weakness. More importantly, I apologise for the moments that I become like the people you run away from.

I may not be what you need, but I’ll try my hardest to be close to it.

So I’m building the promise again— the same one but with a clearer purpose, a greater foundation.

I’m not leaving, and I’ll stand firm with this decision, not for my own good but for yours, and I will not be wavered by the cold tides of your rejection and neither will I falter because of the waves of my own uncertainties.


About mkaterpillar

In the realm of perhaps, chasing the limit of possibility. La Douleur Exquise

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