Sad Lullabies

Ang hilig hilig natin ibigay ang lahat kahit minsan wala nang natitira sa atin.

We give everything we have and even everything we don’t. At first, it’s okay even if we don’t get anything in return because we convince ourselves that this is how true love really is. It’s not selfish, and it never demands anything in exchange. But days pass, and then they turn into weeks. Months later, you realize it’s been years. It’s been years and you’ve given so much, and you realize how stupid you were for believing them when they told you they loved you, too. You’ve given so much without getting anything in return. All you got were tear-stained cheeks and sleepless nights, trying to make sense of things that don’t make sense at all. You rethink every word, every hug, and every second, looking for what you did wrong.

But the truth is you did nothing wrong.

Because the truth is sometimes we never get what we give.

And in those times, you question your worth. How could you not when the people you set on a pedestal turned out to be the same people who would pull you down? You invest so much time and effort just to see them smile, but they never asked if you were okay—not even once. You were too busy taking bullets for them, and in the end, when it’s already too late, you notice the gun they have been holding against your heart. Everything you ever gave became a weapon against you, and it hurts a little bit more every time they pull the trigger. And the bullets become hard to ignore when they hit you right in the core, when it’s already too much to take. You draw the line because you know it needs to stop. You know you need to stop.

You need to stop taking bullets for them, and you most certainly need to stop taking bullets from them.

Wag ka maging martyr.

You need to stop crossing oceans for people who won’t even cross puddles for you.

It hurts to think that some wouldn’t even consider crossing puddles for me. For some, I’m worth nothing. But do you know the worst part of it all? No. It’s not even the fact that I gave everything to them. The worst part of it all was that those people were once my everythingor at least I thought they were.

I wasted so much on people who made me think I wasn’t worth their effort, and it’s the biggest regret I have, my greatest defeat. There aren’t enough fights I could lose to justify how I felt, how I still feel. Because once you think you’re worth nothing, you’ll always be scared of the thought that you might really be nothing. That thought remains in your head. It’s stuck on replay like a sad lullaby, and it will continue to play until your fears turn into reality.

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