I closed a door that lead to the right place, thinking it was wrong.
It seemed like a risk back then, and my fifteen-year-old self wanted to play it safe. I thought that there was another way—one that didn’t target my vulnerabilities.
The door demanded a bared soul, and I thought it was important to keep all parts of me hidden in order to protect myself in case it lead to a wrong turn. I was afraid that if I exposed that part of me, which included the most sacred of my words, I would be left vulnerable. The thought scared me because it was asking for a lot without much guarantee of delivering what I wanted. It was either all or nothing, and I didn’t want to risk it.
I was confident, believing that when a door closes, another one opens. I had too much to lose, and for a fifteen-year-old girl, it wasn’t an option. I realized too late that the door I refused to enter was the only way to get where I wanted to go.
No matter how hard I hoped, there just wasn’t any another way to get there. More doors did open, but they didn’t lead to the same place. Other doors come with a promise of a place better than what I longed for, but I didn’t want anything more or less than the one I turned down. It may not have been perfect, but I knew, deep inside, it was for me.
I closed a door that lead to the right place, and now I’m too far down the high road to go back.
It’s been three years since I walked away from it, but it still haunts me every once in a while. Sometimes, it wouldn’t matter. Sometimes, I’d be more than okay with the thought. Sometimes, I feel like I’ve already moved on, but sometimes, I’d still punish myself for the mistake I made when I was still young and naïve. I still regret it from time to time, and I realize that no, I still haven’t moved on because I still haven’t forgiven myself fully.
If I didn’t let the distance grow this much, maybe I could’ve gone back. Maybe I could’ve forced it to open for me again. But, I let fear and pride take over until I reached the point of no return. I had no choice but to look ahead because I knew that everything behind that door was no longer for me anymore. I knew that everything on the other side belonged to someone else already, and I couldn’t do anything else, really, but accept it. I had my chance, and I carelessly let it go.
I closed a door that lead to the right place
And it was my biggest mistake because that door was the only one that could have lead me to you