I closed a door that lead to the right place, thinking it was wrong.

It seemed like a risk back then, and my fifteen-year-old self wanted to play it safe. I thought that there was another way—one that didn’t target my vulnerabilities.

The door demanded a bared soul, and I thought it was important to keep all parts of me hidden in order to protect myself in case it lead to a wrong turn. I was afraid that if I exposed that part of me, which included the most sacred of my words, I would be left vulnerable. The thought scared me because it was asking for a lot without much guarantee of delivering what I wanted. It was either all or nothing, and I didn’t want to risk it.

I was confident, believing that when a door closes, another one opens. I had too much to lose, and for a fifteen-year-old girl, it wasn’t an option. I realized too late that the door I refused to enter was the only way to get where I wanted to go.

No matter how hard I hoped, there just wasn’t any another way to get there. More doors did open, but they didn’t lead to the same place. Other doors come with a promise of a place better than what I longed for, but I didn’t want anything more or less than the one I turned down. It may not have been perfect, but I knew, deep inside, it was for me.


I closed a door that lead to the right place, and now I’m too far down the high road to go back.

It’s been three years since I walked away from it, but it still haunts me every once in a while. Sometimes, it wouldn’t matter. Sometimes, I’d be more than okay with the thought. Sometimes, I feel like I’ve already moved on, but sometimes, I’d still punish myself for the mistake I made when I was still young and naïve. I still regret it from time to time, and I realize that no, I still haven’t moved on because I still haven’t forgiven myself fully.

If I didn’t let the distance grow this much, maybe I could’ve gone back. Maybe I could’ve forced it to open for me again. But, I let fear and pride take over until I reached the point of no return. I had no choice but to look ahead because I knew that everything behind that door was no longer for me anymore. I knew that everything on the other side belonged to someone else already, and I couldn’t do anything else, really, but accept it. I had my chance, and I carelessly let it go.

I closed a door that lead to the right place

And it was my biggest mistake because that door was the only one that could have lead me to you


About mkaterpillar

In the realm of perhaps, chasing the limit of possibility. La Douleur Exquise

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