For the longest time, I’ve been feeling empty. But tonight, I’m feeling lower than the lowest I’ve ever felt.
For the longest time, I’ve been looking forward, surrounding myself with light. But tonight, in a moment of weakness, I looked back. I looked back and I saw that shadows were darker under the light.
I thought I had it all under control when I walked away from the ugliest parts of myself. But you can only run for so long till your demons catch up to you. It takes a single one to awaken all the others you thought you buried along the way.
I thought I was okay.
Maybe I was okay.
But tonight, my mind was full of all my insecurities and doubts and mistakes and failures. I could hear all the voices telling me I wasn’t good enough, that I was never going to be good enough. I could hear my entire past from a distance telling me that the best decision they ever made was to leave. I could hear them demanding me to be this or to be that. I could hear echoes limiting me to be just – just a body, just a mind, just a face, just as worth as what the world tells me I am.
I could hear all the voices, but the loudest one was my own.
I wanted to tell myself otherwise, but what if they’re right? What I was just a body that wasn’t worth another night, a body that wasn’t worth the love? What if I was just another mind that the world didn’t need, another brilliant mind average in its own way? What if I was just another face that was easily forgotten? What if I was never good enough? What if I will never be good enough?
I could list all the painful thoughts and bad memories running through my head right now, but honestly writing them down wont make them any less hurtful. I could hear a thousand voices, but still I remain alone. And I told myself it was by choice, but what if I just really wasn’t worth the stay? What if I’m not even worth the drive?
I keep convincing myself that someday, someone would fully believe in me. I keep telling myself that someday, someone would embrace everything I am, down to my flaws. I keep telling myself that someday, someone would stay even through my lowest and my darkest. But I’m the only one who has ever seen me at my worst, and even I couldn’t love that.
For the longest time, I’ve been trying to rid myself of demons. But tonight, I will embrace them.
Im gonna relive every memory. I’m gonna replay every single time my heart broke to pieces. I’m gonna imagine all the faces of all the people who reduced my worth. I’m gonna remember every wound that still refuses to heal. I’m gonna close my eyes and bring back all those nights I almost gave up on myself and I’m gonna recount all the reasons why.
I don’t know what I would feel tomorrow when I wake up. But right now, I’m tired of running, and I’m tired of pretending.
For the longest time, I’ve been looking forward, surrounding myself with light. But tonight, in a moment of strength, I will look back.