They say you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. Tama nga naman. How can you give what you don’t have?
The time I met him, i still had so much to give. I was still so young back then, yet I openly welcomed love despite fully knowing that pain is always attached to it. I was prepared to get hurt. Okay lang kasi sabi naman nila time heals all wounds, diba?
I guess that was my only fault… It was a fault to think that I was no longer naive, and honestly, it was my biggest fault. Akala ko kaya ko, pero hindi pa pala.
I lost myself in the process of loving him. I was just way in too deep that I lost all reason. It started with the small excuses I made for the days he wouldn’t text back. Baka wala lang siyang load…. But those little excuses grew bigger, and I found myself saying my sorry everytime he’d treat me like nothing. I allowed myself to believe that it was my fault. By doing that, I singlehandedly gave him the license to drain out everything I could give until I was left with nothing. Di ko alam kung pano ko nagawang ibigay ang lahat kahit wala na palang natira sa akin.
So here i am, years after giving so much more than what I have. Despite everything that has happened, I still continue giving my everything to everyone even when I can’t give anything to myself. I’m unsure of myself. I can no longer find the beauty that my younger self had once seen and had. The only thing I see nowadays when I look at myself are my faults, and most of the time, I blame him. I don’t know why I do, though, eh alam ko namang kasalanan ko rin ‘to. In the process of making excuses for his faults, I made myself believe that i wasn’t good enough. You know… The famous line? “It’s not you. It’s me.” I made myself believe that all his mistakes were truly mine.
I entered the battlefield thinking I was prepared to get hurt, but I was foolish to not know the extent of the possible damage. They always say that time heals all wounds, and I fully believed them. But they left out a very important detail. They never do warn you about the scars that some wounds leave– yung mga hindi mo na maibabalik sa dati kahit gustuhin mo.
I want to bring back the love I once had for myself. Pero sa totoo lang, hindi ko alam kung kaya pa kahit gustuhin ko. Sa totoo lang, hindi ko alam kung paano.
So this is for the brave souls out there who aren’t afraid love: My dears, always remember that you don’t prepare for wounds. You prepare yourselves for scars.