05/01/17

If I could fall off the face of the earth, to a place where gravity won’t be strong enough to let my tears fall, I would take a jump.

One of those nights

For the longest time, I’ve been feeling empty. But tonight, I’m feeling lower than the lowest I’ve ever felt.

For the longest time, I’ve been looking forward, surrounding myself with light. But tonight, in a moment of weakness, I looked back. I looked back and I saw that shadows were darker under the light.

I thought I had it all under control when I walked away from the ugliest parts of myself. But you can only run for so long till your demons catch up to you. It takes a single one to awaken all the others you thought you buried along the way.

I thought I was okay.

Maybe I was okay.

But tonight, my mind was full of all my insecurities and doubts and mistakes and failures. I could hear all the voices telling me I wasn’t good enough, that I was never going to be good enough. I could hear my entire past from a distance telling me that the best decision they ever made was to leave. I could hear them demanding me to be this or to be that. I could hear echoes limiting me to be just – just a body, just a mind, just a face, just as worth as what the world tells me I am.

I could hear all the voices, but the loudest one was my own.

I wanted to tell myself otherwise, but what if they’re right? What I was just a body that wasn’t worth another night, a body that wasn’t worth the love? What if I was just another mind that the world didn’t need, another brilliant mind average in its own way? What if I was just another face that was easily forgotten? What if I was never good enough? What if I will never be good enough?

I could list all the painful thoughts and bad memories running through my head right now, but honestly writing them down wont make them any less hurtful. I could hear a thousand voices, but still I remain alone. And I told myself it was by choice, but what if I just really wasn’t worth the stay? What if I’m not even worth the drive?

I keep convincing myself that someday, someone would fully believe in me. I keep telling myself that someday, someone would embrace everything I am, down to my flaws. I keep telling myself that someday, someone would stay even through my lowest and my darkest. But I’m the only one who has ever seen me at my worst, and even I couldn’t love that.

For the longest time, I’ve been trying to rid myself of demons. But tonight, I will embrace them.

Im gonna relive every memory. I’m gonna replay every single time my heart broke to pieces. I’m gonna imagine all the faces of all the people who reduced my worth. I’m gonna remember every wound that still refuses to heal. I’m gonna close my eyes and bring back all those nights I almost gave up on myself and I’m gonna recount all the reasons why.

I don’t know what I would feel tomorrow when I wake up. But right now, I’m tired of running, and I’m tired of pretending.

For the longest time, I’ve been looking forward, surrounding myself with light. But tonight, in a moment of strength, I will look back.

05.11.16

I think I have an eating disorder

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I closed a door that lead to the right place, thinking it was wrong.

It seemed like a risk back then, and my fifteen-year-old self wanted to play it safe. I thought that there was another way—one that didn’t target my vulnerabilities.

The door demanded a bared soul, and I thought it was important to keep all parts of me hidden in order to protect myself in case it lead to a wrong turn. I was afraid that if I exposed that part of me, which included the most sacred of my words, I would be left vulnerable. The thought scared me because it was asking for a lot without much guarantee of delivering what I wanted. It was either all or nothing, and I didn’t want to risk it.

I was confident, believing that when a door closes, another one opens. I had too much to lose, and for a fifteen-year-old girl, it wasn’t an option. I realized too late that the door I refused to enter was the only way to get where I wanted to go.

No matter how hard I hoped, there just wasn’t any another way to get there. More doors did open, but they didn’t lead to the same place. Other doors come with a promise of a place better than what I longed for, but I didn’t want anything more or less than the one I turned down. It may not have been perfect, but I knew, deep inside, it was for me.

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I closed a door that lead to the right place, and now I’m too far down the high road to go back.

It’s been three years since I walked away from it, but it still haunts me every once in a while. Sometimes, it wouldn’t matter. Sometimes, I’d be more than okay with the thought. Sometimes, I feel like I’ve already moved on, but sometimes, I’d still punish myself for the mistake I made when I was still young and naïve. I still regret it from time to time, and I realize that no, I still haven’t moved on because I still haven’t forgiven myself fully.

If I didn’t let the distance grow this much, maybe I could’ve gone back. Maybe I could’ve forced it to open for me again. But, I let fear and pride take over until I reached the point of no return. I had no choice but to look ahead because I knew that everything behind that door was no longer for me anymore. I knew that everything on the other side belonged to someone else already, and I couldn’t do anything else, really, but accept it. I had my chance, and I carelessly let it go.

I closed a door that lead to the right place

And it was my biggest mistake because that door was the only one that could have lead me to you
 

Back to strangers

Is it that easy to leave me?

I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. What else do I have to do just to make people stay?

I try my hardest to be someone worth staying for, but why do I always end up alone?

ALONE

I try to understand everyone and everything even though some excuses don’t even make sense. I listen to every problem and do everything in my power to help fix them. I give everything I have and even everything I don’t just to make people smile. I don’t even bother them with my problems. I just keep everything in because I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. I forgive so easily and brush shortcomings off even though some really do hurt. It’s not that I’m turning a blind eye to all the faults. It’s just that… my love for the people around me is so much greater than their mistakes.

What else do I have to do?

Is my love not enough or is it just really that easy to forget someone like me?

I’m that someone stuck in that border between average and interesting. I’m that someone who has enough to be included in the crowd but not enough to stand out. I’m that someone who can do anything and everything but masters nothing. I’m that someone who’s special and not at the same time.

Which is why I try. I try so hard.

I try to make people feel special because I know what it feels like to be forgotten. I try to send messages just so they know I’m still here. I try to reach out even though I often get pushed away. I try to give them everything I don’t get because not getting them hurts. I try to give so much time and effort without expecting (and getting) anything in return, even though I wish it would be returned. a

At the end of the day, I’m just on a one-way road. No matter what I do, I just go back to being a stranger to the people I love, and it makes me think if I’m really not worth it.

I’m the one who stays, through the good and the bad, so tell me why they don’t.

I’m the one who never forgets, no matter how small the details are, so tell me how they forget.

I’m the one who tries to build friendships, so tell me why I only get walls in return.

I’m the one struggling to hold on, so tell me if it’s really that easy to let me go.

Is it? Is it really that easy?

I knew you were trouble

I don’t know where to begin, but i do know what I feel.

This is one of those I knew you were trouble stories.

Like all the others who were blinded by hope, I caved in, and I went for it.

Now that I think about it, it wasn’t purely hope. The words I held on to weren’t solely mine. You made me hang on to your empty promises, too, until the small hope I had in the beginning grew into a large expectation.

You see, I never intended to invest so much on you, but I did anyway. Why? Because I believed you when you told me you loved me. Maybe you did, and maybe it wasn’t a mistake to believe it.

It was, however, a mistake to believe that you would stay.

And for that, I feel completely and absolutely stupid.

Losing the will to go on

She was the moon

And he was the sun

Without him, she was lost.

You never tell anyone about thoughts as dark and serious as these because no one will understand.
It’s okay to let go, but not today, miks… not yet.